A Gypsy Road

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Still Fresh In My Mind

An odd thing just happened to me. Today had been a year since my mother passed. I knew this I recognized this. As I left my apartment and walked out of my building to the street I stopped for a moment on this dreary rainy day in Chicago. I looked around at the neighborhood and recalled ma walking these very streets and I heard her voice in my heart and soul and mind. I got through the hard part and I got to be here for her when she needed most never knowing it was coming. She spoke to my heart and she said it was okay now and it is going to be okay. Just the thought of her made the rainy day sunny. I headed down the street with a stride and a swagger in my step I have not felt in a couple of years now. I recognized it and it felt good. I felt like I used to, like I owned where I walked and owned my life. I felt excited like when I walked into a room knowing I would get the part or my first article I ever saw published or simply confident even cocky in who I am, something I’ve admittedly always been and a feeling I haven’t felt in some time now. You know, I’ve never really felt like and adult in the traditional sense. I mean I did all the adult things in life and took care of my business but never really felt like a big person. I mentioned this to someone dear to my heart who played a special emotional, spiritual and physical part in my life someone who whether she know it or not changed me for the better, and she agreed that essentially yes, I was more of a big kid stuck in an adult’s body. I never disliked that feeling. When ma needed me most I for the first time in my life felt like a real adult, a man able to take care of what he needed to. She raised me to be that. She also taught me by her actions it’s simply not enough to just be alive, there is a big difference between simply living and really being alive, you have to be able to live, really experience life. Now I for the first time feel like an adult man but tonight I found that kid again that was laying low inside me, resting until he knew it was time to come out and play again. He showed up and I’m glad he’s back. I missed him. She in her life changed me and she in her passing changed me. I like the change I’ve experienced in my life and am sure it is here to stay. I am also sure I can go back to being that big kid again because that is who I am. I have answered the call to responsibility and life’s obligation and love successfully. Now it’s time to be who I am again and smile and laugh and be that big kid in an adult’s body. What’s the point of being alive if I’m not truly living? Ma told me it’s okay now and it’s gonna be okay. I’m ready and I’m here I’m back so let’s do this thing called living. Here I am!

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This entry was posted on March 6, 2018 by .
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