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Late nights, Hollywood horror parties and cock-blocks, what else can a guy ask for. It’s been, well, it’s been, it’s never been boring that’s for fuckin’ A-sure. I mean hey I might not be Johnny Wads with a pocket full of cash but I’ve sure lived like it at times. Yep, I’ve had a bulge in my pants with forty large in my pocket, no not a large cock, though I’ve been told what I do have does the trick well enough. But forty stacks cash, cold and hard. Then, I’ve had nothing, zip, zilch, nada, couldn’t even afford a cheeseburger. What was that Wimpy used to say to Popeye? “I will gladly repay you Tuesday for the price of a cheeseburger today.” Haha yeah been there on that Hollywood Hills trip then your Armenian landlord shows up on your doorstep, “It’s Tuesday mother fucker bro I come for the rent”. Rent? Who’s got rent money? Haha yeah, but I’ve also dined with mayors, monsters, movie moguls and mad men. I’ve had Filet Mignon with Dustin Hoffman and shared a couple of espresso with Phil Seymour Hoffman. I’ve been in front of the camera trying to make it onto the big screen and I’ve been on camera against a wall, numbers across my chest trying not to be seen. I’ve slept with absolute bat-shit crazy hot women and honest hookers I mean shit, I only bring this up to make a point that it’s been real, well, a real blast and I’m only halfway through this shit show of a life. A strange journey it’s been thus far. I’m either in a room creating with artists or at a dinner table in the company of real gangsters talking about the way it used to be. But hey, at the end of the day what’s the difference? One is trying to steal your affection, another your imagination the other your money. Morals you say? I gave those away a long time ago, too much unnecessary baggage for me. It seems everybody wants a piece of the pie. Maybe it’s just human nature everybody wants a little somethin’. I’ve always had a little bit of Zelig in me. The way I’ve got it figured that’s the reason I’ve survived so long, that’s how I’ve managed this crazy life. I may have been crazy at times but it’s never been boring and well, maybe that’s why I get so bored these days. Maybe I was in Hollywood too long for my own good. It’s just not the same this single side 45 RPM version of life I’m living now. Chilling out and settling down though currently necessary isn’t all they cracked it up to be. Once the dust settles we’ll see what happens.
I find passion in my pain and in the void and hardships of my life experience. There is a certain attractiveness about the uncertainty of life. I’ve never been a, ‘be at home for dinner at six’ kinda guy. I’ve always tried my best to put together a life and a living with what I’ve got to work with at the time. They don’t really prepare you for that kind of thing when you get out of the joint so you just have to kind of wing it I guess. I didn’t too bad for an incorrigible kid I suppose. You always have to share with others in this life and there’s always be room at my table for anyone who needs to eat. Greedy people eat alone and their table is always empty. Fortunately, my table has always been pretty full, many times it was a fat steak but as often it’s been a can of spam. I’ve basked in the light and lived in the dark. I have to say while I love being noticed in the bright lights of life I’ve learned my most valuable lessons in the dark. Strange things happen when we’re all alone in the dark with only our voices and secret fears. We learn what we’re made of and what we’ve gotta do to get where we wanna go. It’s never as easy as it sounds but nothing is impossible either.
There’s an echo in my brain that’s bouncing around and crashing into the walls of mind and memory. The more I try to ignore it the louder it gets, like a monkey on your back that won’t go away poking out its ugly little head just when you thought it was gone. The things we try so hard to forget are also the things we tend to hold on the tightest to. A pain in the dick really but there’s something about the pain of life that’s always lured me in like a hot barely legal Sunset Strip lolita in a sundress looking for the bright lights and big city. I’m a junkie of sorts. Maybe not in the traditional sense, though I’ve never met a drug I didn’t like, but what’s the difference right? Junk is junk when it gets right down to it any monkey will do, whatever gets you off. Like I said I’ve always tried to put together something that loosely resembles a life out of what I’ve had to work with and believe me my life has at times very loosely resembled a life. Those who have nothing, want something. Those who have something, want more. Those who have more, want everything. The LA story.
It’s hard not to regret mistakes made, things left unsaid or recall things you wish never happened in the first place. I try to not dwell on the past too often, yeah, the past hates trespassers. You know that big sign hanging over your head in the back of your mind, the one that says, STAY OUT, well it means, stay the fuck out. But me being me, haha that just ain’t gonna happen. If there’s a circus traveling through town I’m the guy who wants to run away and join it. In fact, I actually once did just that, well, it was more of a carnival. I almost forgot about that. I was maybe sixteen? It came rolling through and I did it, jumped on the wagon with ’em. It didn’t last too long, a couple of weeks maybe, but it was fun while it did. So much for the midget’s, freak show people and broke down carnies.
But I would surely find more freak shows in the carnival of life and I would eventually again have a midget to call my own. His name was Freddy, little guy, tough bastard, and a thieving little shit. He was good, no he was great. He could steal the sweat off your balls and you would never even know it was gone. A nasty little prick but cool and he had a way with women. He died when his spine kept growing but his body didn’t. Yeah, one day right there on my couch after too much Vicodin and too little whiskey. He knew it was coming and so did we. But who the fuck wants to die in a shitty hospital room hooked up to a bunch of tangled tubes and treated like a pin cushion for some high-priced doctor with a xerox copied sheepskin in a low-rent hospital. Our lives were already a tangled web of insanity so why complicate things? Nah, he did it his way and we let him. Nothing had to be said, we lived the way we wanted and judged no one. We didn’t have to say a bunch of goodbyes when we crawled into bed that night, we just shut the lights off and that was that. But Freddy is a story for another time, remind me later.
Looking back on your own life can be painful, that is unless you’ve lived a charmed life. That wasn’t the case with me. But hey, it could’ve been worse. It’s all relative I suppose. I’ve met some interesting people and did some crazy fun shit. It’s too much for someone living the normal life to really believe. I’ve hung out with my idols, partied with my heroes and told off people who thought who they fuck they are. I’ve had friendships that started out good and ended badly and others that started out really badly and became rock-solid. I’ve witnessed some ride that train to success and watched others unable to accept life as it is, jump right in front of it. So many of the people I’ve known in my life are dead now, many moved on to what’s closest to their hearts while many more are just simply gone. Just one day gone. But I keep each one close to my heart and each person took a little piece of me with them. With enough time and space our minds tend to rewrite relationships. It’s a mental self-defense thing I guess.
I’m running out of interesting friends, I think it’s time to start cold calling people.