How I Got Religion
It’s a funny thing really, this thing called religion. Countless of men and women (arguably mostly men) throughout the millennia have argued, hated, berated, cheated, swindled, fought for and even killed for it. They’ve dug deep to find it, sailed to unknown lands to indoctrinate it or destroy those who would not readily conform to it, conjured up spells to create it, prayed to false idols and deny others the God given right to have it to their own liking and if you don’t agree well, they’ll just start a war over it. It seems to be that one thing that humanity has consistently searched for, desired to have and coveted more than anything that I can think of. The need to control it is tantamount to nothing else because when they control it they control the masses and they control you. Someone once said that total control always leads to total cruelty.
It’s quite possibly the most addictive thing out there beating out drugs and alcohol by leaps and bounds. I mean think about it. Compared to religion drugs and booze ain’t shit. There are people who will self-flagellate, crucify, desert their families and give every dime they have to some clown dressed in a cape, robe or funny looking hat just so that they my be part of the ‘chosen ones’. Here I thought the Jews already had a lock on that one. Not in a negative way mind you. It just as a young Roman-Catholic alter boy (yes contrary to what some may believe there was a time when the church would have the likes of me) I was just taught that the Jews were the chosen people. Therefore in my youthful mind I was set up to believe I was second best and my chances of becoming one of the chosen ones was slim to none outside of finding a guy on the inside who pulled the strings and slipping him a few bucks. Yeah I tried that on a priest, no go but he did drink some holy wine with me. So I just figured, what’s the point? I’ll just live the life of a heathen. Everyone loves a good heathen.
There’s a road we all take and it’s not always straight. The shortest paths between two points is a straight line but a straight path is hard to follow at least for me it was and when it comes to living life, really living life, the straightest path is never as interesting. I used to be in a hurry to get places. Everything had to be yesterday, but these days I’m in no hurry to get anywhere because it’s already too short. If I’ve learned anything it’s that life is already too short so why be in a hurry to get to the end of it? I’ve already known too many people that met the end of it way too early.
With religion they keep yelling out “the end is near” yet there’s never a shortage of someone to run the show and take your silver coins for his or her own. Who needs more coins if the fucking end is so near? It’s madness for the masses. Religion seeps into every part of the fabric of humanity it can sneak or force itself into. Shit, one of the once most formidable political parties on the face of the earth even uses it to control it’s sick, twisted army of believers and used it to make our political system a complete and unadulterated joke. They use it to instill fear, paranoia, hatred and intolerance of anyone or anything different than them. Though in the defense of religion I would have to say the cause of that is primarily the misuse by madmen and self professed messengers of gods who have abused it in a last ditch attempt to reign in the wicked and save them from themselves. Purify them, if you will. Failing that, war is imminent, because like I said before, they have and will kill for it. Strike that, murder for it seems more appropriate. It’s the constant battle between good and evil except that everybody wants to know what evil looks like but nobody wants to meet him. Yeah religion, that’s some dangerous shit.
Yeah I lost my taste for it, if I ever even had one, a long time ago. I think it was somewhere between having to dump out my dirty laundry behind a screen in that dark room and when the guy in the robe ‘caressed’ my ass during that holy wine drinking binge. The drinking I didn’t mind so much, it’s the ass play that got me a little squirrely. Yeah, strange things happen in the dark. My old man did a lot of not so good things to us but one of the good things he did do was make sure we always watched out for those priests and always question authority. Maybe that’s why I question it so much today. I suppose I always have and always will. I once asked a lifelong friend when he thought at what point in life I became so outspoken and vocal about my beliefs. According to him I always had been and never shied away from controversy or giving an authority figure the old “fuck off”. I never really saw myself that way back then. I supposed others, especially those we’re close to, see us differently than we tend to see ourselves.
Now I readily admit I’ve broken or tried to circumvent virtually every religious law or commandment I ever read, was taught to believe in or was even remotely aware of. Those I didn’t break I worked really hard at bending. In fact, I think I broke a few rules I didn’t even know existed. I never mined it much. I mean I never held a lot of personal guilt for breaking those rules. It is what it is. I always viewed them as exclusionary in that everything the powers that be told me not to do they went right ahead and did anyway. What the fuck is that all about? Look inside it’s where my demons hide. I like them just where they are, they’re easy for me to find and conjure up.
My mother was right I should have become a priest, for all their vows to go without these guys practically print money it’s a real license to steal. Take any televangelist, travelling holy man or snake charmer, they ask for your silver and you give them your gold. You give of it freely all in hopes you might be viewed as righteous enough to be allowed in the holy kingdom at the end of a long wicked life. Well I got some bad news for you, you can’t buy into God, no He ain’t having none of that shit no matter what bull they try to sell you. I just wasn’t cut out for the life of piety. Now as you might be able to tell just by my capitalization of certain proper nouns in strategic area throughout the text one might be able to realize that I too believe in God. Maybe not quite the way many of you do but nonetheless I do believe. I harbor a supposition to believe that something, someone, some being exists without the evidence to support it. I think that’s called faith. Yeah, I have a bit of that too. Maybe it was contrived by force of religion or maybe it was learned from watching my ma pray constantly that we would be okay, survive, not get hurt and eat everyday. Most of which didn’t happen or barely happened I still believed. After all we did survive and that credit I give to her not some church or religion that didn’t care dick about me and mine. I mean the most I ever got from any church was a tasteless wafer once a week and a stack of donation envelopes in the mail. Needless to say when I was old enough I didn’t leave a forwarding address.
But I still believed, except that God as I view him is quite different than the one they tried to shove down my throat when I was a kid. Nah, mine I’m not afraid to reach out to and I truly believe He listens. You see my Guy allows everyone to be who they are, love who they want to and live the life they want do what they feel as right provided it is not harmful to themselves or others. See, because we’re all his kids, even the shit heads out there screaming we’re not. But it’s different for everyone. Now that’s not to say I have listened to or obeyed the rules to the letter, no far from it. But you know what as much as I fucked up and continue to do so He still keeps me. He still has room for a heathen in his crew. And guess what, He’s never asked me for a dime, no one red fucking cent. It’s like one of the few priests I ever trusted once said to me “every saint has a past, every sinner has a future”.
As for evil, yeah I’ve met him a few times and I stay the fuck out of his way. Ya gotta have some skin in the game.
My uncle used to say, “religion, it’s a hellofa racket when you think about it.” I sure would like to get a piece of that action. He also said stay away from those priests nothing good can come from a guy who disavows pussy and money just to show you the way to redemption. Sadly most people believe what they’re told. Don’t you? The guy with the big words and funny robe says, ‘trust me’ and they do. I would never ask you to trust me that’s the sign of a guilty soul.
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A Gypsy Road 
Amen! Stephen I’m trying to reach you I’m screenwriter it’s written in amazing script I know you’ve heard that 1000 times probably this week I would like to talk to you about hiring you to screen doctor and/or help re-write my script the first person I showed it to in Hollywood is very interested and asked me if I own the rights to the man story indeed I do Brian Jaccoma 516 459-4630 I would be honored to talk to you as pursuit of happiness was one of the best Scripps I’ve ever read/ and obviously seen on the big screen