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We tend to question decisions in our lives at almost predictable stages in life. I ask myself questions more than ever before. I don’t so much question my decisions as I do wonder what life would be like had I decided certain things differently. What would life have in store for me had I chosen to go left instead of right or backward in stead of forward? What would it be like had I simply stood still and let the forces that be control me? I didn’t, I couldn’t, even if I had wanted to it’s not how I am built. So I suppose I will always wonder to some degree. We all ask ourselves ‘what if’, if we didn’t something would be wrong.
The more I think I am different from my father and uncles the more I realize how much the same I truly am. I suppose the difference is, is that I try to live my life based on little pieces of their lives. I want to make my mark and am not afraid to admit that when I am gone I want people to say “he really lived”, “he walked to the beat of a different drummer and lived by his own rules. “I try to take the good from each of them and apply that good to my own life. There however is no question that I do own some of the not so good traits in them some of which were glaring. The more I wished to be different the more I am the same. That, I think may be my reason for my ability to survive. One trait I believe several though not all of them owned was the fact that by virtue of personal choices they often walked through life alone. Survival often means you have to go it alone. Walking though life alone can be freeing and it can be scary. More often than not it is lonely. There comes a point when going it alone is the rule rather than the exception. You get used to it to the point you sacrifice, often unintentionally, the wonders of love and intimacy of another person. The person who could complement your life and exponentially add to it. There is something to be said for not eating dinner alone which I do more often than I care to admit. There is also something more to be said for waking up with someone’s breath on your neck, your chest and their feet curled up and tangled around your legs. But admittedly it’s been a while. I have sacrificed that probably more by reason of habit than by reason of want or desire to. Going it alone definitely has its positives but at the same time it surely has more down sides to it.
The older I get the only regret I might have I would say is my lack of maintaining long-term relationships of the romantic kind. There is romantic intimacy and there is physical desire of lust we act on. The latter has never been an issue for me, in fact often times it’s been too easy. Possibly because I can just as easily disconnect from it again. It is the former that takes work and investment and the ability to face ones most intimate fears. That can be great when it is with the ‘great ones’. If you ever get a shot at the ‘great ones’. That’s not to say I have never experienced the wonders of long-term relationships, however the few I have had simply did not work out. The funny thing is when I did get into them I knew they never would from the get go. I suppose I invested time and emotion in the act of being in a relationship because it was what I was taught was life’s social norm. Much in life and beliefs have changed since then.
Since those times I have it better to go it alone than be involved in something I knew was toxic or just to be there and simply have someone. That for me is just not worth the price of the ticket to the drama. Nor is it for the inability or the lack of desire to, I surely have more love and caring to share than I know what to do with. It’s all jammed into my front pocket like so many discarded scraps of one’s emotional life waiting to be pulled out and thrown into the air for someone to catch. I have never worn it on my sleeve. I often wonder if it is I simply have not yet found the right person or my deep-seated fear of opening up to another keeps me from developing that true intimacy. I suspect it is a combination of the two and other factors.
Then there is the person, a woman to be exact, who materializes every now and then from out of the murky shadows of feeling. It seems she is easier to open up to than most. A truly rare occurrence hen this does happen. Suddenly out of nowhere I find myself opening up about things I would not normally share within our first few encounters. Within our first few dozen encounters for that matter if ever. I also find I don’t even question it I simply go to it. I have never really taken the time to examine why this happens and who or what the person represents or exactly what qualities they possess that can make it happen to me. It has been that rare in my life that I have viewed it more as an anomaly and cherish it when it does occur. I guess my desire to trust and invest in another is deeper than I often believe.
I always thought I would ‘know’ when it happened which I assume is why it has been such a rare occurrence of a feeling in my life. Which leads me to my question, am I simply alone or have I become accustomed to being lonely? Which leaves me to wonder a few things. Is it possible that I can feel lonely because I have been alone for so long or is it that I might be lonely when I realize that I just might enjoy her company more than mine alone? Is it possible I just might like her? Like her in some fashion I and not usually accustomed to?
Probably one of my biggest fears is publishing this. To do so means someone might get to look inside the window of my soul and see what is inside of me. To get to know me just a little bit more. Everyday it seems that protective shield is taken down a little more.